How Destabilizing it is to Leave a Religious Community or Cult

No matter where you are in the deconstruction process, whether that be just beginning to question the church’s teachings or years away from the group’s control, it can be so destabilizing to actually leave a toxic group. After all, there are often many reasons why people identify with a religion and/or belong to a religious community. Maybe you grew up in this community or religion or chose to convert to this belief system. This identity provides (or has provided) you with benefits. After all, why would we stay in a group or religion if there were no benefits?

Some benefits that people receive from belonging to a religious community or identifying with a religion are:

• Connection to a community

• Sense of belonging to something larger than yourself

• Purpose for life

• A framework to understand life experiences

• A way of marking time through holidays and important dates

• Hope

• Scripts for interacting with both people inside and outside of your religion

After leaving a religious community or cult, people have a variety of experiences. The factors listed above hold different significance and meaning to each individual. The length of time spent in your community and your commitment to this religion will also impact your experience of leaving. 

How you left your community will significantly impact your experience of destabilization. If you were abruptly excommunicated, you might have to face the loss of all of these things at the same time. If you slowly deconstructed your belief system and chose to leave your religion, you have had more time to grieve and then identify your new belief system. 

No two people will have the same experiences within a group or when leaving a group. Because of this, you may not relate to or identify with everything in this blog. We encourage you to focus on what fits and leave behind what doesn’t. Here are some areas where you may be experiencing dysregulation after leaving your religious community or cult

Relationships

Religious groups typically provide a belief system about people who are not in your group and in some cases, scripts for how to interact with others.

Answering these questions might help you identify the beliefs that your group held regarding other people:

• Can you trust people outside of your group?

• Are you responsible for converting people to your religion or belief system?

• Who are the leaders within the group?

• What are gender roles?

• Can you have relationships with people outside of your group?

• Are you allowed to have social time?

Relationships and social lives are heavily influenced by the belief system of your group.

Belief System

A belief system is one of the most distinct things that religious communities and cults provide for members. This belief system teaches you how to think about yourself, the world, relationships, end times, and what happens after you die. 

Thinking about these questions might help you identify some of the beliefs that existed in your group.

• Are you innately “good” or “evil?”

• Do you have free will?

• Is the world safe or unsafe?

• Is there a higher power?

• How involved is the higher power in your life and decisions?

• When will we reach the end times?

• Will there be a rapture?

• Is there an afterlife?

• Are people or souls reincarnated?

• How old is the universe?

Depending on your group and the way they approach their belief system, these beliefs might be accepted as fact or they might be open to interpretation. Whatever way you connect to your belief system, it guides your life. You might consciously be making choices based on these values, or you might be following the examples of the people around you.

Whether or not you realized it, these beliefs had an impact on your life and the way you lived it.

Purpose

This connects to your belief system but tends to be very foundational. Does your life have a purpose, and if so, what is it? Maybe you were told that your time on earth was to be spent converting other people to your religious group. Or perhaps your goal is to be as good as possible so that you are reincarnated in a higher form. Maybe your purpose was to listen to group leaders and fulfill any directions that they provided.

Whatever the purpose that your community provided, it can be incredibly destabilizing to lose that motivator and guiding light. You are now, possibly for the first time in your life, thinking about your values and the purpose of your life. This might be terrifying or freeing or some combination of both.

The Impact

These are three significant areas that are impacted by your religious community. When you leave that community, you also leave behind the certainty that it provided. This is incredibly dysregulating and can also cause anxiety and depression. 

You might find yourself thinking:

• Is there a purpose to life?

• I don’t know how to make friends or date.

• What do I do with the time that I used to spend with my religious community?

• I no longer know what comes after death and I’m terrified.

• Did I make a mistake leaving my group?

• Was my experience really as bad as I thought it was or am I exaggerating?

• Can I trust my instincts?

Leaving your religious community or cult is destabilizing because it involves changing so many things that have been core to who you are or the way that you live your life. You are entering into a difficult period of transition, but just because it is difficult doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision. Take your time rebuilding your belief system, relationships and purpose. It won’t always feel this way and it won’t always be this difficult.

Survivors: You don't have to walk this path alone. If you are looking for ways to get both education and support, we’ve created our no-pressure community led by a clinical psychologist that specializes in religious trauma and cult recovery. You can read more about and register for A Year of Non-Magical Thinking here.

If you are feeling destabilized and need practical skills for feeling a little calmer in this season, we suggest getting started with our Self-Care After Trauma workbook. You can download it immediately and get started on your self-care plan today.